Landlocked

Since today was my last day of ceramics, I knew that I had to admit somethings to my crush before heading home or regret would just take over. So as everyone else in our class left we just sat around talking about dubstep,ghosts,and pot until his friend/ride walked in. With little to no time left it became a “now or never” kind of situation so I asked him if we could talk in the hallway. Only to realize that it wasn’t the best place to talk either so we ended up in the dimly lit art show room across the hall standing face to face.

Nervously my feelings for him attempted to become words that could be understood which they were but just not felt back since he’s straight. He said that he sort of saw this coming after reading my vague facebook message and respected the effort it took to do it. He said that he liked my abstract art and that I was a caring person. He said that we are still friends while offering a handshake which lightened the mood cause I could see that he meant it.Then out of nowhere some guy he knew said “hey” and just stood there staring off into the distance without saying anything, talk about bad timing.

So both of us left the other guy standing there and went back to the ceramics room. As I packed my stuff he asked if I was leaving and told me to keep in touch over the break. Plus we have a painting class together next semester so yeah…. telling someone I like them for the first time, isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Sure it sucks to not get the chance to date him but hey our friendship is something. He’s one of a kind and  so was his hug from earlier in the semester.

(This is from Monday its just posted late)

Guys my car died on the way to work yesterday morning and I hoped this wouldn’t be a big deal but this time it is. Just like my first car this one has reached a point where I have to choose between buying an engine or another car. Basically this is a lose/lose situation cause I can’t really afford either option with my soon to be nonexistent savings account. Eh these things happen and even though they’re an inconvenience I’ll figure out something.

Waiting is something that I’ve always seemed to do when it came down to admitting my feelings to the person I liked. Why? Because each time I’d hold myself back till this unseen sign gave me the okay and it never did. But now I’m starting to realize that doing this was only giving me another excuse to put off our risky exchange of words. For me what ifs were easier to handle than denial was to hear. Finally I’m ready to take risks with you cause talking doesn’t seem so complicated. The things I’m going to reveal soon enough won’t have to feel better left unsaid. Still a little scared so expect some nervousness in my voice. I can take whatever you throw at me .

My female coworker recently mentioned out loud that one of the guys in our area (who was off) has been sending her gay vibes for a while now, opening up this what if conversation. As she talked about her observations, I thought about how the other guys around me would react since I didn’t care about his sexuality. One of them was shocked but more in a mind blown kind of way while the others were unaffected as expected. Just knowing that my coworkers are accepting of differences is assuring even if they don’t know about mine yet. Honestly parts of me still get confused about if I’m hiding my bisexuality by only sharing it with a few friends and not all of them.

While dancing around to Paramore’s newest album I accidentally knocked my laptop off the counter, sending it into a free-fall that ended with color splotched cracks. Even though I instantly knew it was broken, denial made me think turning it on and off again would somehow fix things (it didn’t). Apparently fixing it would be more expensive then buying a new one but then I’ll lose all of the stuff on my old one that can’t be replaced…. so decisions. For now I’m stuck with my old computer that’s been gathering dust in the corner but hey something is better then nothing right.

At first my one on one advice was just another attempt at helping someone with their relationship related problems, until my crush revealed that he was quietly “eavesdropping” on our conversation. Then my words began revealing things that I secretly wanted him to know “indirectly” in hopes that he’d somehow catch on to my game. Who knows maybe its time to take chances for once. But yeah his friend ended up giving me an “anonymous” survey that involved me mentioning my sexual orientation so hopefully he finds out about it. That makes things a little easier right…